Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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