you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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