I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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