Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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