Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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