god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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