I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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