Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
