Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
