Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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