I puked a lego.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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