btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
