just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
did i walk over a car last night?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
