"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
