Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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