I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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