Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
