You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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