Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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