Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
