We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
