I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
