***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
