Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
