I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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