but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
