Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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