I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I want her autograph on my taint
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
