I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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