Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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