I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
