i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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