Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
