one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
