all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
