Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just pee around me
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
