Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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