Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
