this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
