and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
