You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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