Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
