just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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