I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
