i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
