WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
