Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.