He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
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I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
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I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.