My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
