i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my phone needs a breathalizer
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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