What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
