So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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