He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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