Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
