Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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