you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
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