I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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