Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wanna go halves on a baby?
we made out on top of his cat.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
