It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
