Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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